I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
