i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Send help, water and tortillas.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
