I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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