Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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