You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
