1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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