Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We got so high we made milksteak
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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