I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
