Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
