I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
