Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
should my penis look like a turkey
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
