Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
why do cheetos always look like penises
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
