I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
