Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
