She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
