someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
