best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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