Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
