im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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