it hurts more in the daytime
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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