If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
