Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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