you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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