I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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