I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
