He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
