nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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