i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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