Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
