it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
