dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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