Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
