I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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