the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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