i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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