He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
