Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
