I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
