Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
