i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
