I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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