So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
