ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I need to stop coming to work sober
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Randomize
