after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
