I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
