I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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