So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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