You can't special order awesome
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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