OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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