I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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