We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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