loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
