I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
