I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
